Lessons in Internet Dating

I got a funny email from my X recently. He joined an internet dating service he tells me, and he was wondering what my experience was like.

What? My first reaction was don't you have anyone else to ask about their internet dating experiences besides your x-wife? But I know the answer to that question. No he doesn't.

And I hate to be mean, but ladies he-- and men like him--are the reason that most of your internet dates are flops. Oh yes, he is relatively good-looking. He is well educated, has no kids, and loves dogs. Sounds like a catch!

And he is. If you don't mind the fact that he is unemployed, wears the same socks and underwear for days on end (and does not think that is gross), lets the muddy dogs up all over the couch, and has slept in a bed that the cat has peed on without changing the sheets on more than one occasion. In addition, he almost never leaves the house except to walk the dogs, is a pack-a-day smoker, and has nothing in the refrigerator except beer and bowtie pasta and tomato sauce.

Sigh. These are the things you will only find out after several dates, and perhaps you will even find them endearing ... or be able to look past them, like I did, for several years. But these are the men who are on the internet.

Now I know what you're thinking. I met the doctor on the internet didn't I? He is not a flop? Well, yes it's true. But he did not have a profile. He found me. And women are much more hopeful and honest than men. And I think he was a rare anomaly in the online dating world.

So when asked about my experiences, I told him as much.
"I received plenty of emails," I told him. " Most of the men were too old, too young, too ugly or completely uneducated. A few of them seemed possible, but then they often never went beyond a few emails - and when they did, it usually didn't lead to much. The guys I did meet were nice enough, but boring. It was no wonder the didn't meet anyone in real life."

He told me he had put up one of my favorite pictures of him - a picture I had taken at the beach with our three puppies in his arms -- and gotten so many emails he couldn't respond. I told him not to get too excited. But I decided to be encouraging. "You're attractive, smart, don't have a crazy X-wife and a big child support check to write, and you love dogs. What's not to like? Now just get a job and quit smoking and they'll wonder why I ever let you go!"

In case you are wondering why I let him go, re-read paragraph 4. But I do genuinely want him to be happy, and there is someone for everybody, right? He responded to my encouraging words by saying that he hoped to meet someone who liked him for who he was, not how much money he made (read: zero) but that yes, maybe quitting smoking was a good idea. I decided not to tell him that I would never date any man who was unemployed, unless he was independently wealthy and set for life. I think I can comfortably speak for most women when I say that while I am not looking for a man to support me, I am not looking to support a man either. I kept that to myself and instead I just wished him good luck.

A few days later he confessed that I had been right - most of the responses were ridiculously poor matches - but there were two that seemed promising, and he had been emailing them. One was younger - in her late twenties (he is 45, go figure) and has no children. The other was in her thirties with children. One of them asked for a picture of him without sunglasses on -- and he asked me if I would take it.

Again, shouldn't someone else be doing that? Can't you figure out how to use the auto timer on the camera? Is it not a little strange to ask your x-wife to take the photos for your internet dating profile? I hedged a little but said I would do it.

I came over later. He had already figured out the camera and done it himself he said. I think he knew I was secretly glad. Then he asked me something else.

"So what would you think if a guy accidentally sent you an email he wrote to someone else?"
"What? Did you do that?"
He nodded.
"Would you be pissed?" He asked.
Um, hell yeah. I'm pretty darn sure I wouldn't have much interest after that.
"I'm sure she'll understand," I told him.

Some things you just have to figure out for yourself.