Heart on Sleeve

It's late. I'm up staring at the door. Should be working. Should be thinking about something else but you surround my head, my heart, my soul my core.
Without your touch I feel inside out. I'm lost. Alone. A fool for sure.

I bide my time. Calm my restless heart. Wondering if we were fools to even start,
along this path that has no happy end. I'm stranded. Stuck. The truth like leather that binds our battered, yearning need together.

It's crazy thinking, but this melancholy rain has lit the fire that burns you in my brain.
There's no way out; my lungs, the fire, they breathe the same.
Glad it was you, that's what you said.
Glad it was you, like there could be someone else instead.

How did you know? To touch my hand, my face, that way? How did you know? Yes was the only word I dared to say. Could you see me, the way he can't? Will you see me, will you find me, in the darkness, reach out your hand?

How did you know? The eyes I longed for. How did you know? Your kiss would feed my empty soul. Sweet fate, that let you pass unharmed, out of the shadow into the shelter of my arms. Will you fight it? Will you run? Surrender is always much more fun.

It's crazy thinking, but this melancholy rain has lit the fire that burns you in my brain.
There's no way out, I am drowning in a sea of lustful shame.
Glad it was you, that's what you said.
Glad it was you, like there could be someone else instead.

Will you touch me, will you help me to forget? Will you love me? Will you want me in your head? Or will you find an easier path to tread?

It's never wise to fall so hard, to give so much, play all your cards. But tangled in our private reverie, stripped bare of all our senses, abandoning the life we knew. Here. alone. In this moment, there's no one else for me, but you.

-----------------------------------------

I wrote this song in New York City, on a rainy night after I met William. I'd been living there a few months on my own, having gone back to school for my master's degree. I left Nick behind at home (that's the husband from whom I am currently separated). It was just a 10 month program - we had just bought a house, and it didn't seem feasible that he could move to New York with me at the time.

Of course, looking back, that's perhaps exactly what he should have done. By the time I left he hated his job. He hated the city where we lived. He was depressed and unhappy with all the choices he had made in his life thus far - so if we had been thinking clearly, one of us might have noticed a change could have been good. Maybe he could have found a job in New York.

But the truth was, one of the things he wasn't happy with was me. We hadn't had sex in months. Maybe a year. I simply can't remember now. Just before I went to New York I got a fellowship to Germany for a couple of weeks and I talked him into coming with me. I thought maybe a vacation would do us both a world of good. But while he enjoyed the trip, he was still nervous the whole time. He never really let go, and he never touched me once. I was devastated. I tried to talk to him about it but he shut me down. He said sex just wasn't important to him. That he was depressed and I just needed to back off and let him get through this on his own. I sort of felt I had backed off long enough.

It's sad to admit this, but by the time I got on the plane to New York, I had already decided that if I met someone else who I had chemistry with I would cheat on him. In fact, I was sort of hoping I would. I was hoping that in my graduate program there would be some smart, cute, interesting guy who was wild about me, and that he would ignite the dead embers of my heart. Something inside me just snapped. I had been faithful to this one man for 12 years. Only once - before we were married - did I let another man kiss me. Aside from that, I was a picture of fidelity. But I was starved for affection. I was desperate. I wanted to be touched. I wanted to make love. I wanted all the hot passionate sex that a married woman in her early thirties was entitled too and I was going to get it.

I was disappointed however in the pool of available men in my class. They were all either too young, too arrogant, too unattractive or too unavailable. It looked like a torrid love affair was not going to just fall into my lap.

That's when the idea of posting an ad on craigslist first percolated into reality. At first I just flirted with the idea in my head. Then I started browsing around. his was prety new to me. I had sold furniture on craigslist. I had used it to find an apartment. But I absolutely never thought about using it to look for a date -- much less a sexual encounter. I used to work with some girls who were obsessed with the craigslist personals. During our lunch breaks at work we used to play the New York Times crossword puzzle online and read craigslist. We would read them outloud and laugh - some of them were so ridiculous. For example here are a few recent posts from my local listings:

Crossdresser STILL searching for friendly female - 35
HI, I am a 35 year old male to female cross dresser looking for a friendly understanding woman for friendship maybe more. I would like to find someone who would enjoy this and can help with makeup and shopping as well. She would not be afraid to be seen in public with me dressed as a woman. I have been told by many that when dressed I am very cute and passable. I am very safe and very sane, drug, alcohol and disease free. I own my home and have a steady job. If you are such a woman I would love to hear from you. I must ad, though I am open and accepting of others lifestyles and choices I am straight so please NO MEN!!! Unless you are also a cd or t-girl and passable. Thanks

He even put his picture, and I hate to tell him, he is not passable. He looks very much like a man dressed as a woman.

A lot of the posters can't spell much less string a sentence together, and sadly you can sort of see why they are still single. Like this guy:

Man looking for a Womans company
Here I go again.After 11 weeks of thinking that I found someone to start a relationship in hopes of getting married again,she F'n dumped me for her X.

WTF do I have to do to find someone again? Here are my dont's.

Its very easy---dont let your family control your personal life,nor have them invite your X to stay over while your in a relationship.And dont f__k with my head.

I have kids,so if you do,dont thats fine.
I have never smoked and would consider someone that does,only if its not around me.
Please have a personality,humor,job

.

Sounds like a real winner. I'll be calling him right up! There are a lot of sad and lonely people out there. That's the truth. But every once in a while there is a genuinely interesting post, something creative, and honest and reading a few of those got the wheels turning in my head. Well, that and the fact that I was incredibly horny and ready to do just about anything to get laid.

So I set up a fake email address and replied o a few posts. The results where, well - meh... so I decided to be a little more daring and try and write a post of my own. I don't remember exactly what it said but it was something to the effect of "Married woman living alone seeks intelligent attractive man for discreet affair. Send photo" With more of my usual literary flair of course. I was nervous as hell. what if I ever wanted to become a politician? My opponent could dig this stuff up! What if one of these guys later wrote a tell-all book about me? But sepite al reason, I decided to take the plunge anyway - and thus began my decent into the tawdry world of Craigslist - one that would eventually lead to my relationship with Berlin.

Now if you are shocked by my behavior (and probably thinking you would never do anything so stupid), believe me, you are not half as shocked as I was at myself. I mean, what on earth was I doing, pimping myself out on the internet like that? But I was SO curious! I really wanted to know who these people were. Were they all nut jobs, losers, and freaks? Or were some of them just normal people, single, married and unhappy, or divorced and trying to start over? I had to know. I just had to know that I was not the only one in this position. And what could it hurt right? It was all anonymous and I didn't have to reply to any of them.

But of course I did. Within hours the inbox of my new Craigslist alias was filled with hundreds of replies. Some of them were too old, not my type, or filled with stupid one liners. Delete, delete, delete. But eventually there were a few worthy emails, some intriguing exchanges, and a few dates. A handful of which ended in two tipsy, naked people in my apartment.

It was liberating, and I felt absolutely no guilt whatsoever. The sex was great. But none of it really lead anywhere, and I didn't really click with anybody I met. And then just about when I had begun to decide the experiment was over I met William.

He was adorable, a musician, and just about my age, and he wrote a response to my post that would make any woman stop dead in her tracks. It was so good I saved it.

I can imagine you've probably received a thousand emails in the last 20 plus hours. And you've probably stopped because I have a pretty good idea what most of them said. I hope you've managed to hang in long enough to read this one.

I thought your post was beautiful and just about exactly summed-up where I am right now. I'm a good looking, professional, married, 33 year old who has always identified as an artist and musician at heart. I'm a sensualist, not in the strict sexual sense but in that I endeavor to experience life richly in all ways. I seek beauty and I find it everywhere. I love knowing people in small ways others don't see. I love spontaneity and I don't really have much fear when it comes to doing things that are out of my comfort zone.

The problem is about opportunity. Work is enveloping, friends and family surround, the life routine becomes a groove that can be hard to slip out of. Your right, I do seek understanding and real connection and deep intimacy. I want a Lover. Not a sex partner or even a friend really. I want close-ness and someone with whom to quietly reveal to each other our secret selves.

I love my wife very much. We have just grown in different directions with age. If anything my appetite for color and beauty and passion has grown where as hers has been largely replaced by the desire for security and ease of a very well defined universe. I need more and I understand very well that I'm not a bad person for seeking it out. I respect her deeply and it's a gesture of that respect that I could never let know. I've never cheated. Not because my conception of a healthy relationship is much influenced by societal norms but because I've not been able to find the right one. The one who understands what it is... and what it isn't.

And that's really why I responded to your post. I NEVER respond to posts. I'm sure 'all the guys say that' but it's true for me. It just really looks so discouraging. But your post was special. You're clearly smart and emotionally secure and that can be rare on Craigslist or anywhere else.

I do live with my wife though I'm often out late for work related things and with friends. I'd love to have dinner one night if you'd like. We might find that have no chemistry. We might find something very beautiful. Judging by your post, I'd very much like to find out.

Do me one favor though. If you've read this, even if you're completely uninterested in meeting with me, just drop an email to let me know. Having just spent a bit of time writing I care to find out if you actually ever read it.

-William

We decided to meet at my favorite Cuban place on Prince St. When he walked up I liked him instantly. Laid back, down to earth, interesting. And did I mention totally hot? I am not kidding. Blond hair, blue eyes, well-built physique. We hit it off.

After dinner we snuck into a little bar and found a quiet corner to talk and have drinks. We got in at just the right time for New Yorkers - because within a half hour the place was flooded with people and we were literally walled into our little private corner by mingling bodies.

He told me about his wife and his little girl. And the fact that the passion had died in their marriage. He said she had been in a relationship with a woman before she met him, and he thought perhaps she was really more interested in women than men. In real life this might have seemed like too personal a detail to share- and too taboo a subject to discuss in public - but this was New York, we were strangers who had met on Craigslist and the honesty of this anonymity came naturally.
At some point he reached over and took my hand and I felt electricity ran through my whole body. We had some serious chemistry.

When we decided it was time to get out of there he offered me a ride home. This was an unusual turn of events. With the exception of cabs, I hadn't even been in a car since I'd moved to New York City. But he lived in Jersey and had driven over to meet me. I accepted this novel opportunity - and a chance to spend a few moments alone with him. We walked a few blocks to his back jeep. Neither of us mentioned the car seat in the back.

It was about 3 in the morning and the streets of lower Manhattan were completely empty. He pulled up to a red light and all of the sudden he leaned over and kissed me. It was, hands down, the BEST kiss I have ever gotten. It was tender and passionate, and restrained and full of desire all at once. He cupped his hand behind my head in just the right way and his fingers just barely massaged the hair at the nape of my neck and then slid gently along my throat. I caught my breath. I will remember that kiss until I close my eyes for the last time, honest to God.

"You are a really good kisser," I blurted out. I couldn't help it. I was so surprised, I just said the first thing that came into my head out loud.

"Right back at ya babe," he smiled wryly and reached over to the passenger seat and put his hand on my thigh.

This was going very well.

Two sweaty, tangled naked bodies later I decried the evening a success - and after he left, as I pondered this person who had sort of amazingly come into my life, and what it all meant, I wrote that song - for my new musician lover. He has never read it, though we continued seeing each other for the rest of my time in New York, and even once after I moved away when I came back to the big City for a visit.

He still loves his wife, had another kid, and seems to be satisfied with the concept of loving one woman and lusting after another. At the time I met him, I thought perhaps he might be right - that sometimes you find a partner in life that works for you in all ways but one, and so what's wrong with stepping outside the marriage to fulfill that one missing part? But later I came to realize that that sort of fractured relationship was not what I really wanted. I wanted it all: Sex and love. Family, fidelity, breathtaking kisses, and hot,sweaty sex.

William wasn't offering me that. Even my husband wasn't offering me that - but when my year in New York was over, I decided to go back to him and see if I could get it. See if a fresh start, and a happy ending wasn't in the cards.

It wasn't - but I couldn't have known that then. So heart on sleeve I went back to try.

P.S. The photo is from a website where a bunch of kids drew pictures of English idioms. I thought this one was aorable.