The Other Woman

Now go back and read my craigslist post again. Was I, or was I not clear, that I wanted an emotionally available man? Did I not say, no happily married men? Clearly my charming Berliner who would so easily win my heart was not paying attention to that minor detail. Men.

You may wonder why I would even be so open minded as to say I would accept someone in a relationship that was ending - why not hold out for someone single? Well- that's because I was not exactly single myself. In fact I was (and still am ... sort of) a married woman.

Shock. Gasp. Get over it. It's not really like that. I had been in a disintegrating marriage for some time - it had been falling apart for several years in fact. I was miserable. He was miserable. We lived in the same house but we may as well have been roommates. We hadn't had sex in at least a year. Maybe 5 times in 3 years - if that. We didn't even kiss anymore.

About 9 months before, I asked my husband for a divorce - and then the following week his company fell apart and he lost his job, and his health insurance. I couldn't very well just walk away now that I was the sole breadwinner and insurance provider. Besides, the truth was I didn't have the money to move out yet anyway. I wasn't sure how I was going to support myself. I'm a writer, and I have a student loan debt that is more than most people owe on their homes. I was sort of stuck. So for the months leading up to this affair, I was really sort of separated. Mentally at least. And while my husband and I were talking about the actual physical separation and potential divorce, my heart began skipping ahead, wondering if I would ever find love again. And I began looking in the only place I could - online. I mean I couldn't really just go out and start dating like a normal person. I hadn't told anyone at work. We hadn't told our families. But I needed to know what was out there - and that's how I came to put the craigslist ad up.

Now in that posting I didn't actually say I was married - but lest you think I too forgot to disclose that pertinent piece of information - here was my very first response to Mr. Berlin ( That's not his real name of course, but that's what I'll call him here)

Dear Berlin;

Now there's a first. A total honest identity - with email signature and cell phone!! You are a very trusting man!! Now, just yet I'm not going to be quite so up-front. Let me tell you a few things about myself first and see if you still want to continue this conversation.

But before I do - I just have to tell you that I used to be a biologist (I changed careers, I'm a writer now) and that Berlin happens to be one of my favorite cities. Bist du, vielleicht Deutsch?

I digress ... No here's my big negative -- and perhaps it will change your assessment of "wise". I'm married. No kids. We're virtually separated (we live like roommates in the same house), and it's ending, but its complicated and we've had to stay together for a variety of reasons I'll tell you all about if we ever get that far. This might be a deal breaker for you, which would be something I would completely understand. But then again you're moving to Berlin .... so perhaps you'll take it all in stride.

I've been through the whole craigslist thing before, at some point when I was thinking that maybe I'd just meet a married man in my same fucked-up situation and we'd find some sort of solace in each other. But I'm the sort of person who loves a bit too easily I guess, and once I decide I'm really into someone (and the feeling appears mutual) I just sort of give into it. So inevitably I begin to care and then he decides to ultimately reveal he really loves his wife and he doesn't want to ever leave or jeopardize the relationship. I'm not doing that anymore. I am imperfect, but not stupid. But I'm also not exactly single .. so I'm sort of stuck.

So. Like I said - I understand married and ending (but you must be honest, it really has to be pretty much over). But no happily marrieds. If you're single I guess you just need to have been around the block enough times to have a real understanding that people make mistakes they never thought they would make, change and grow apart in ways they couldn't have imagined when they met, and end up in unhappy relationships. I like to think I have the sense to move on before its too late. I don't expect everyone to get it, but I think the right person will. and if I don't find him, eventually I'll get divorced anyway and it won't matter anymore. C'est la Vie. Macht nichts.

Anyway. What do YOU think?

Writefromtheheart

And there you have it. WAS THAT NOT CLEAR? Was that not 100% HONEST? I think so. As if that's not enough he responds:

Dear Writefromtheheart;
Ich bin nicht Deutsch, Ich bin Amerikanische. Ein Ami, as they say. Well, you are married. That's OK. I am going to Berlin rather soon after all and therefore I will take it all in stride. But are you looking for a long term relationship on the 'casual encounters' page of Craig'slist? I don't think that you can be, so I am not overly invested. I am just amazed (still) at how you summed up your motives, and how similar they are to my own. Plus, I love the way you write.

So, I very much understand the complexities of human bondage. I have been in many complicated or no, not complicated, that is an overused word, more like contradictory, positions. We are not simple creatures, at least not those of us who are at all interesting. So yes, I am still very intrigued by you. Maybe I am looking for a little shake-up, sharking around here in Craig'slist. So let me say again that I am still very intrigued by you so let's move forward.

Berlin

Now was I looking for a long term relationship? Maybe. I guess I didn't feel like I was quite ready to promise myself to anybody else forever. And so I figured - something casual - that at least had potential to become serious and long-term if the situation warrented was a good compromise. Ugg. silly, silly me.

Dear Berlin;

Also - auch wenn du nicht Deutsch bist, du kannst aber die Sprache schon sehr gut. Ich schaetze du bist da schon mal gewesen.

And yes - I suppose you are right - I'm not exactly looking for a long term relationship. But I also don't want meaningless sex with a string of random strangers. I am one of those people who thinks you really can sort of live in the moment and just see what happens, and it can be wonderful, as long as your heart is open to it. What I really don't want is someone who is emotionally shut off. You click or you don't. You have a great time or you don't You fall in love or you don't. And who cares. Perfection is rare and not required. make sense?

So why are you less than enthralled by biological science? I wax nostalgia for it sometimes. And then I remember how awesome my job is. i have a seriously awesome job. When are you leaving?

Writefromtheheart


So how do I end up as the other woman? Back to our first meeting.

The night was progressing magically. He was charming, smart, funny. I was instantly attracted to him mentally and physically. He was just the right height - about 6 feet tall to my 5 foot 4. He had an easy smile, and a hearty laugh. He had a sexy sparkle in a pair of deep brown eyes that said 'I like you back'. We talked about our families, and our work. The basic getting to know you questions. He asked me where my last name came from, and I told him it was Italian. He was surprised, as most people are, since I have one of those Italian names that doesn't sound Italian at all. And he asked me where in Italy my family came from. I told him the name of the town - a little town in Calabria (that's the south) that basically no one has ever heard of called Pianopoli.

" No way," he said. "You're kidding."
"I'm completely serious. Why have you ever heard of it before?"
"You're really from Pianopoli?"
"uh-huh."
"That's where my family is from."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. I have the papers at home. I've been preparing the documents to get my Italian citizinship, and so I've been collecting the birth certificates of my Italian ancestors - it says right on them - Pianopoli."

We were both sort of dumbstruck by the coincidence I think. And I have to admit, it sort of seemed like fate had brought us together. If I had had any doubts that I was into this guy before, this little coincidence erased it. This guy was my soulmate. Was that stupid? A soulmate? Were we meant to meet on this dark and misty August night? Had our paths wound around and crossed several times before we were finally face-to-face? Wait. That's crazy talk. I barely knew this guy. I met him an hour ago - maybe two. We had shared a couple of beers, some sweet and spicy calimari, and a few limited details about our lives. But we came from the same town in Italy! How many planets had to align for that to happen? We weren't even both from this city where we now sat in this random bar, but had travelled very different different paths to get here. He was originally from New York, and I grew up in Oregon. But we had both lived in Boston and San Francisco - our times there even overlapping slightly - but of course never meeting. And now here we were. He reached over and touched my leg. I extended my hand to his. It had to be fate.

And then it happened.

"So why are you going to Berlin anyway?" I asked. "Did you get a job teaching there or something?"
He was quiet for a moment, while he pondered how to answer.
"Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm chasing a woman."
My heart sank. What????
"But I'm not really sure that she wants me there."

Phew. He's just chasing some girl who isn't reciprocating. For a minute there I thought she was his girlfriend.